John Jamieson

"Don't do the lunchtime specials as take sways. Think I'll leave it!"

"Drank half my pint, said I wasn't happy with the quality of my measure. If you call a smack in the mouth a quibble...."

"Ask Phil why he keeps getting nosebleeds."

"Free haircuts for pensioners on Mondays as long as you want it all off. Ladies only."

"Go straight to the bar and ask for the dizzy blonde. Frothy, great body, nice creamy head if correctly executed. Can't say fairer than that."

"Free beer on Thursdays if you can answer the barman's riddle of the week. Nice idea Barry."